Happy 2007

I need to update this space! I need to update this space! It has been way too long.

But there are so many thoughts...so many conflicting thoughts! And there's always the bitterness, which serves as my anchor. But New York keeps me alive...keeps me going...keeps me breathing...keeps me breathless...keeps me thinking....keeps me occupied...keeps me laughing....keeps me conscious....keeps me happy.

A few movies...a few ideas....and no absolute thoughts. I need to come back to this.

Random Thoughts

The stay in New York has been both eventful and memorable since I moved here at the end of July. But as I was telling my dear friend CB today, while I wish I could write about the fun experiences I had in NY, I also wish I had the money to have those fun experiences. Oh, well. If I get the opportunity to live in NY, that will be the best fun experience in itself. There are some things I wish I could write about...but they are for classified eyes only. :)

In the absence of anything to write about, here's some random thoughts and experiences I've had in the last few months:

- Recently, while standing at the cash register in the local White Castle, I could barely contain my laughter when the big black lady behind the counter (the kind one usually doesn't mess around with) said, "Baby, here's your change sir."

- On my recent trip to Denver, I came across a billboard at the busy intersection of Colorado and Evans for an adult store. The caption read, "Secrets: It's cheaper than dating!"

- I've been meaning to post this on this space for a while. On an episode of Boston Legal last season, the story arc focused on obesity caused by sweets, or more specifically, anything made by Hostess. Research state that such products (and MANY others) contain high fructose corn syrup, a sweetener that can control a hormone called leptin, which controls the amount we eat. In its absence, the brain never gets the message to stop eating!

- New York is the haven of beauty, in all colors, shapes and sizes...and I'm not talking about the buildings either. For as little time as I have spent in the city, I cannot get enough of the women strutting their stuff. What was I thinking all these years, staying away from this??!! Next tasks after getting a job...shed the pounds and then.......the Acquisition begins!

- Only after moving to NY have I realized how long I have been away from India. Apart from the obvious aspect of watching people WALKING on the sidewalks, they also have no qualms about showing their true feelings, or rather tempers. But, I still find it hard to digest. Looks like I've become too much of an American for my own good!

- Someone recently introduced me to the concept of "brown trash", inspired of course by "white trash" (JME I am thinking of you). But I don't quite agree with his definition, so I'm working on one of my own.

- The new iPods came out yesterday. Not the ground-breaking, head-turning new video iPod I had been hoping for, but an 80GB video iPod or an 8GB black nano is never a bad thing. Oh, mama...so many temptations in life! Then again, I'm in the temptation capital of the world!

- God, let NY be my home!!

Dreams and realities

This whole need-a-job-now thing has me wound a little too tight...and how!

This afternoon I decided to take a little siesta...it's been a while since my last one...and I pray the next one isn't for a LONG time to come. Anyway...a case of the sniffles in the middle of the Jersey heat and an endless bout of sneezing had tired me out. But I digress.

They say dreams are manifestations of reality. But I can't remember the last time a dream felt so real. There were dreams about India before I went there in December, but I snapped out of those as soon as my eyes opened. But this was something else!

I dreamt I was talking to an interviewer over the phone. Only it wasn't an interview, but rather a congratulatory note that a second interview wasn't necessary. I had so spectacularly in the first one that another meeting would have been a moot point. "You got the job!" he said.

I remember waking up right after the dream and making it to the kitchen for a glass of water smiling at myself for about 5 minutes...until the spell broke, my eyes opened and I realized I had not only been dreaming...but also likely talking in my sleep!

Is the real thing far behind?

Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Apple previewed OS 10.5 "Leopard" today. I don't know how I'll wait till spring to touch features like Time Machine and Spaces. And I wish I knew enough people on iChat so I could play with iChat theater.

While I'm wishing for stuff, wouldn't it be neat to move up from my Powerbook G4 (she turns 3 next month!) to a MacBook Pro at least, so I can at least try to stay with the times. A nicely loaded Mac Pro like the one they released today would be nice too. 

Oh, well! Patience comes to those who wait!

Shakespeare still rocks....and in Hindi too!

Last night I went to see Omkara, Vishal Bhardwaj's highly memorable homage to Othello. Not for the faint-Hindi-movie-buff-hearted, everything in this movie reeks of originality (especially considering its source!), from making Wai and Satara look like UP, to the film's often difficult to understand AND digest dialogues (thank god for subtitles AND not living in rural UP!) to characterization, adaptation and costume design, which I found to often be more expressive than the dialogues. And while still talking about dialogue, I couldn't get enough of how wry and humorous they are; crude, therefore effective. I used to think that the massacre of Hindi committed in the metros of India could be termed as slang, but the morbidity that drips from each word in the movie is enough to make metro-speak seem like baby-babble....and make the babblers blush!

The best performer without a doubt was Saif Ali Khan as Langda Tyagi/Iago. I actually found myself liking him more than I could ever hate him simply for his sheer genius in manipulating his situation. Oddly enough, I also found myself sympathizing with him, despite the snake he turns out to be. Mr. Shakespeare, Iago would have to be the highlight of your legacy.

Ajay Devgan as Omkara was an excellent casting choice. His eyes do most of the acting here as the compelling leader of the band of thugs. When I read Othello in high school, I remember thinking how naive and weak he was (kind of like Jude Law in Closer) for buying into everything Iago fed him (of course, he didn't know better).. But Omkara as a character is MUCH stronger in personality, complex, trusting yet intelligent, but sees everything only in black and white (the "haan ke naa" scene on the railway track comes to mind), which ultimately becomes his undoing.

Konkana Sen-Sharma as Tyagi's wife doesn't get a whole lot of footage, but her lines and delivery are some of the most memorable and hilarious in the movie ("The way to a man's heart...") Bipasha as Billo/Bianca doesn't have much to do except shake the midriff to a couple of beautifully composed and choreographed songs, look gorgeous (too many reviewers use ravishing!) and make Kesu lust after her. But she delivers on the one note that her role requires...being strong enough to handle herself well in a (perverted) man's world.

I cringe while writing this, but Kareena Kapoor as Dolly Mishra/Desdemona, was actually decent. She doesn't have much to do (thankfully) and she is blissfully unaware of what's going on around her. But her character is what ultimately drives the story. Though the line her father says to Omkara about any woman who would leave her own father for someone else stung me as badly as as it rooted the distrust in Omkara's mind. How can any man say that about his own flesh and blood? But therein lies the beauty of Omkara, never letting you settle in your chair with the popcorn. It aims to make you squirm, laugh and gasp in a matter of seconds.

If I haven't mentioned Vivek Oberoi's Kesu Firangi/Cassio yet...it's intentional! Anything I write is too much praise for the flattest character and worst actor of the movie. If Vivek Oberoi really was Kesu Firangi, I as Omkara (I love where the press calls him a social worker!) would never ever dream of making him the "Bahubali"/leader of my band of thugs in a million years, simply because he shows none of the traits of a leader (even a bad one!).

This about sums up the main players of the story. Naseeruddin Shah as bhaisaab is pretty straight-forward as the politician wanting to pull Omkara into the political game. Fortunately, he isn't made to do any two-faced antics and he does the needful with conviction. I admit this is a stereotype, but only such a powerful character in the north would ask for a long-distance train to be reversed mid-journey like it was no big deal....and actually have his wish granted!

I admire Bhardwaj's conviction in sticking to the original ending instead of plastering something ridiculous and fake just to please the audiences...commercial considerations notwithstanding. The more I watch it, the more I am convinced that the movie...and the play...could not have ended any other way. If it did, I imagine Mr. Shakespeare would have a profanity or ten to hurl at the director for shattering his legacy and artistic integrity for a few measly hundreds of thousands of bucks!

Decrypting Da Vinci Code Pointless

Disclaimer: The following is a personal experiment.


I have one question for Ron Howard....what's the big hurry?

How often does it happen that directors get to work with such rich material that you don't even have to come up with yourself? Someone else (Mr. Brown) has done the hard work already. All you had to do was make a good visual representation of the book and your life was golden. Instead the whole movie feels like you were about to sneeze, but you blocked your nose at the last minute to keep from making a noise. Perhaps a PowerPoint presentation about the highlights of the book or a talking head doing an on-screen read-along or both would have been better.

I went to watch The Da Vinci Code with my sister and her husband this evening. Of the three of us, my brother-in-law is the only one who has not read the book yet. And his confusion during the drive back home as my sister and I re-explained most of the movie said everything about it. Too much information crammed in less than 2.5 hours. For as easy as the book is to read, it is still very much like an onion (forgive the cliche), where the historical details (let's not touch the fact/fiction ball of wax), descriptions, backstories and plot twists are peeled out before reader consumption. Instead, this movie takes a whole different approach; it tries to eat the onion like an apple...except in this case, you're left with no more than the bitter aftertaste, because the movie is only able to grab at a handful of facts from the book, but isn't able to formalate anything sensible out of it.

Thanks to a crash-landing screenplay and lifeless direction, the movie reads like a historical log, listing one fact after another, minus the significance or background. Although I wouldn't usually say this about most movies, this one could have used another hour....or perhaps complete the movie as a two-parter to flesh out the details (though the fact that it's based on a recent book would have worked against this idea). Mr. Howard should perhaps stick to his brand of "man-conquers-odds" drama. The story screams desperately as much for action and suspense as it does for drama, but sadly the latter is all we get.

On the technical side, the camerawork and editing were average and uninspired. The most annoying part was the flashbacks which were agonizing to the eyes as they almost always come after something dark. This is in addition to the annoying video noise filter used. The special effects were nothing spectacular either, except for the outdoor scene in London where the new world is imposed on the old as Langdon and Neveu enter Isaac Newton's tomb. The superimposition of the two was magnificent, though somewhat reminiscent of many a commercial.

As for the performances, Mr. Cryptologist Hanks (??!!) couldn't care less if Da Vinci appeared one day and spelled out the code in noodles, while Audrey Tautou handles her role well, though she acts very much "by the book". Unfortunately, there is zero chemistry between the two, because of which I am somewhat grateful to the studio for not including a romantic angle between the two. Alfred Molina is completely wasted as Aringarosa (sp?), which really surprises me considering the bishop plays a MUCH more consequential role in the book. The two real stars of the movie were Paul Bettany who plays the very-believable disciple of Christ, Silas, and the witty, eccentric Leigh Teabing personified by Ian McKellan, who evokes the most laughs in the theater. But again, thanks to screenplay shortcomings, Teabing's intentions and place in this plot are never entirely clear, nor is his alter-ego terrifying enough.

Hesitation is all I will remember this movie for, because it tries to make a point about religion and symbolism at so many stages, but always stops short of making any categorical statements about anything. The closest it came to saying something was in the sequence in Teabing's study in France, where they argued about the significance of Jesus' bloodline. This was also a good opportunity for a Hanks-McKellan face-off, but alas, audiences must be whisked off to the next half-baked scene. Why, Mr. Howard? The book already made the bold move of presenting fiction like fact. ALL you had to do was make it come alive.

In short, the movie promises us a treasure hunt and delivers nothing more than a roadmap. I wish the states in India that banned the movie would revoke it, so that others might ask the same question I did: "What was the big deal all about?"

More Denver Ruminations

It's odd I have so much to write about in Denver, yet almost nothing when I was in India. Of course I spent most of my time in India being in a pissy mood for multiple reasons, the friends, the place, even the family. Though in my often cynical line of thinking, I am beginning to wonder if I went there with the wrong mindset in the first place. I'd know that if I knew what the wrong mindset was to begin with.

But that is yet to happen here. Friends or no friends, Denver is invigorating for the senses. Don't know if its the fresh spring mountain air, the beautiful girls who dress like it's California (MOST Muncie girls need to take a cue or ten from the girls here about dressing up....or rather down), the fact that most things here haven't changed in a year; I know that I am HOME. Funny to call some place home in a foreign, in sharp contrast to calling some place foreign in your homeland. As yet, I have hit all but two of my favorite joints....Pita Jungle (oh the hummus!) and the 24-hr Starbucks on Colorado Blvd (there is a God after all....and he smiles upon us nocturnals!) But that will be remedied over the weekend.

Oh, I forgot to mention this in the last post. I think my worst fear is coming true...Muncie is growing on me....which it isn't...it...it isn't.....it isn't...really...really....it....isn't (It's like the Borg are saying "Resistance is futile!). And how do I know this? It's because Kansas wasn't as insufferable to drive through this time as it was before. The crops seemed to have made me a part of them. :) Oh well, NY isn't too far now.

Anyway, coming back to Denver. Yesterday I went out for a couple of walks around campus. The first was through the construction zones. It's the most annoying thing ever... finding your way through a maze of these zones to get to a building....any building. Never in my 6 years at DU have I seen so many holes in the ground. Would it kill them to keep the university standing without breaking down everything in sight? For a beautification drive, these guys spend an incredible amount of time looking ugly. Went around and met the old gang...mobile computing, the helpdesk, etc. It was nice to see some of the old, forgettable faces...nicer to know they were now in my past. But one place still reeks of the same old stench that made it SO inviting for the last 5 years. Happy to know I don't stink of it any more.

The second walk was around the eastern side of campus through the residential area. Honestly, I had forgotten how beautiful this city actually is. Granted, its picture perfect exterior can be a tad nauseating at times, but it's all good. This area is a little suburban heaven in the heart of the city. This is perhaps where my peeve against suburbia comes into conflict. But I think suburbia is more than just a pack of walls stacked against each other. It is a completely ignorant, snooty, self-reliant but self-centered, artificial, white (and probably republican??!!) establishment that is repulsive to a fault.

But this area around DU (which itself is definitely corporate and seemingly Republican), much like Washington Park is a combination of off-campus student housing, plus university employees, white-collar downtown workers, but largely liberal-minded folks. Most of the houses are on average half a century old, which just adds so much more to the beauty (and the pricetag!). The lush, green Observatory park is an added bonus. To spend an afternoon lying on the grass in the cover of a slightly overcast, 70 degree, breezy late afternoon is a pleasure like few others.

Some day, I'd like to make this city my home again (even part-time will do) and I would do everything in my power to make that come true. But for now, my bigger concern is....when will I come next?

Rocky Mountain Awakening

Ah, how long I have waited for this day...my trip to Denver. A little bit of thesis on my mind, a little bit of job hunting on the side, a little bit of catching with old buddies and a little time away from Funcie. In short, it's business and pleasure in the same breath.

I drove into Denver late this afternoon (unannounced, of course). Of course the highlight of this visit was VG's engagement party. And as far as social gatherings go, this is one I'd like to forget ASAP. I knew exactly how it was going to turn out. After all, the guest list (or rather the fact that most of them were from uber-conservative Pune) should have read like a pack of tarot cards about things to come. Predictable, traditional and little-to-no fun at all...well, except the little shocker VG got.

The loooooong awkward silence at dinner-time (not to mention the dinner itself), the lack of mingling (including exchanging pleasantries) between the sexes (I admit I am partly to blame for it), the conversation starters (so what company do you endlessly do the same shitty software programming for?).

I find it interesting that some people (read Indians) find it difficult to sustain a conversation with me when I tell them I am not in IT. The looks on their faces range from "oh-you-poor-lost-soul" to "and-you-call-yourself-a-redblooded-Indian!" to "are-you-an-alien?". It's a whole different breed of rednecks!

Dear VG, if you ever read this, I imagine you will find it difficult, nay impossible, to forgive me for the things I have said here (and for a few things I wish I could, but that could possibly be insulting, hurtful and possibly slanderous) and I care too much for you to go on. But you know as well as I do that I have shunned the value system that you so dearly embrace. My rant here is partly a judgement of you, but mostly a judgement of the (often, but not always) mind-numbingly stupid culture we come from. But, all things aside you are about to start sharing your life with someone (the thought of which has on occasion made me cower in fear) and to you, I raise a congratulatory toast. You have the one thing I had desired for so long...a constant. And for that, I am envious of you.

It's been an "off" day for me. I find myself being distracted, short-tempered and as this post amply demonstrates...brutally honest. I just don't know what's causing it...the three hours of sleep in the Kansas rest stop with the 17-hr drive or the reference to RV more than thrice in a single conversation. All this time, and it still gets to me!

My next post will likely deal with how some couples react to single people in their surroundings like an allergy. I am working on a complete case study. Details soon.

Dead on the inside

Last weekend, I drove to Dayton with some friends to watch AR Rahman live. We were late for the event by about 20 minutes because we veered off-course (damn that Taco Bell manager for throwing us off when we were SO close!) Fortunately, we didn't miss anything significant since Rahman hadn't been brought on stage yet. 

A great concert overall; the master performer gave everyone a show worth remembering for a long time to come. But the real pat-on-the-back goes to the kids from Miami U. and Srini who put in the hard work to package the event so well. I am SO envious of those kids...getting to spend time rehearsing with the greats Rahman and Vasundhara Das. Hard to top that one. What I'd give to trade lives with any one of them for even a day, just to be in the company of one of the greatest composers of all time. Hopefully, another day and another opportunity will present itself. 

But this isn't why I am writing today. It seems I am a sucker for punishment...except this is far more disturbing...it's like kicking someone or something long it has died because of it. Every concert I go to, every instrument I find myself near, I feel like being guilty of murder.

In my teen years, a lot of things didn't make sense or add up, but when it came to music, nothing mattered. It was my calm, solace, escape, inspiration, celebration, spiritual wellness...the list is endless. But when that umbilical cord between my drums and I was cut (who cut it is a matter of debate), my life slowly started becoming mulch. And every concert I go to (Zakir Hussein and bros in May) reminds me of how worthless my existence has become in the absence of music.

I need to find my way back, for sanity in my life, for holding a singular thought in my head...for taking me back to simpler times. But where do I begin?!

crUsh

Yes, yes I know it's been a while since my last post, and my loyal readers (all 2 of them) are tired of having nothing new to read. It's odd, plenty was going on, but there was nothing worthwhile to write about. iTV is done, my thesis work seems to ebb and flow, the packing and moving process is picking up pace, I will be homeless in less than a week, and I am about to inflict a bunch of (hopefully pleasant) surprises on a number of my friends. All in all, a dull life.

But this post is about something else. I never thought I'd write about this, mostly because I never thought I'd think about it as much as I am. The last major crush I had in Denver ended disastrously, especially after what she did in India. So I am no longer in the mood to be "just friends" either. But that was before the move to Muncie, so it's HIGH time I moved on. Of course, there's also AB, but I don't care much to regurgitate any of those details. Joy and sorrow in the same minute, amazing how she could evoke such a reaction in me.

As I write this, I'm beginning to feel like I am in school again (not like that time of my life was the most fun, but let's back out of that dark alley.) But I have developed a crush on someone. And while I am not about to reveal her identity, she will affectionately be referred to as JM. Interestingly, we have never exchanged so much as two words to each other, nor are we a part of each other's circles. And it's highly doubtful that will ever change, mostly considering that I am about to leave Muncie in about a week (yay!), but also, she's WAY out of my league. But God, is she beautiful. The gorgeous round eyes, the killer smile, clear soft skin and the glasses to add just the right touch of sophistication. Yesterday, I saw her at the TCOM banquet in a beautiful green dress. Jeans do not do justice to those legs!

But I should stop. Else this should become a collection of tunes from Sting. I sing 'Every Breath You Take' and she sings 'Don't Stand So Close To Me'. Yeah, bad joke.

Anyway, May cometh (how will this b'day turn out?!) and my life is about to be blown in all directions at once. I look forward (fearfully) to take life one day at a time, without an anchor (place or person) to hang on to. Relationships will change, new bonds will be formed, older ones may grow stronger and some may break like branches from a tree. I hate the thought of it, but at least one won't hurt as much, because there is no room for trust in it. Yes, it all sounds very cryptic, but the wound is yet to heal.

Accomplishments & Anxieties

It's the last week of March and there's plenty going on.

Last Sunday, I hosted the ISA's Holi celebration event in the student center. Nothing spectacular, but good fun, with Chiru's video presentation and playing with colors, though putting color ONLY on people's faces and not drenching them and bombarding them with water balloons can be a real damper. Still, it was my first time playing Holi in almost a decade, so it was good to actually celebrate something from home, the way its supposed to be done. Certainly, a big step up from a Powerpoint presentation and dinner!

NS left for India on Friday night, ending his time in Muncie with a get-together at Motini Bar. It was a nice evening, despite my lack of appreciation for smoke-filled bars. Plus my resolution to not drink this semester didn't help either. But for a time as stressful as this, I was oddly cheerful, probably because I hadn't been in any informal social setting since the Superbowl gathering in Columbus (Yay for graduate school and corresponding bank account balances!). But the super-gorgeous German women are always an added bonus. And I stayed sober to take in the sights!

The rest of the weekend was a combination of work, rest and working while resting. Most of Saturday was spent working in bed on props for Sunday's shoot. Sunday was the last major day of shooting where James, Ticha and I completed the library scenes in the morning and the argument scene out his apartment at midnight. These guys are amazing, they seem to perform effortlessly and are open to discussion and feedback. It's unbelievable, how much I have learned from them. But even more unbelievable, the fact that I directed my first film(s), and am HAPPY, rather than regretful to write about the experience. I owe it to them to make this a great experience.

But that is were the accomplishments end and the anxieties, or rather jitters, begin. Up next is post-production (editing, special effects, packaging), then surveying, compilation and presentation. Three months down, two more to go. My biggest fear is losing motivation like its happened to so many people, but its the promise of working on something innovative and a promising tomorrow that keeps me going. The big pothole in the road will be here next month; God I hope I can pull through it without hitting rock bottom. (Gosh, five years already?!)

But speaking of innovative, here's another reason for jitters. The interactive television project goes live this weekend. It's a huge deal and I'm proud to say I had something to do with it (even it meant being custodian for the production area the night before). The implications are obviously far-reaching, and I guess it'd be kinda cool if I could say I had something to do with American TV history. But, let me not get ahead of myself here. There are still plenty of kinks to be worked out, though my dear Anisha, I will be thinking of you the entire day. Happy B'day!

The Web site is 75% done (though my sister somewhat aptly puts it at 25%). The next couple of days will be spent on getting my videos and photographs uploaded and finalizing the design. The job hunt beckons, as do the butterflies in my stomach.

But for as anxious as I seem to be, I am doubly excited. After all, I wouldn't have invested myself in this if I didn't really want to do it! To be challenged with something new everyday like this is rare in life...and my stars are due for a shining. :)

Rahman in Dayton in April, home, sweet home...Colorado in May and (hopefully) NYC in June!

A Different Kind of Seven-Year-Itch

The seven-year anniversary was last Monday. It's funny though, on every anniversary so far, I look back at my first days here like it happened yesterday. But, something's different this time. Seven years ago seems farther away than ever before. Is this what people who moved here in the 60s feel like? I wonder if this is simply result of being here for so long. Living here has gotten easier over the years. I guess the best compliment I could get was for the Americans to think I was one of them. They do that anyway, but to forget that I'm international is really something. But I am happy to realize, especially after the last trip home, that my real self is intact. I no longer have the fear of losing myself in another culture to the extent that I would forget my true self.

But the best is yet to come. The thesis is on in full swing...well, as well as things could be. Things seem to slow down once in a while and then need a jumpstart. But I'm happy that my motivation hasn't diminished and I hope that I will finish everything by May. I'd like to think that things on the job front are looking up...or at least that I'm talking to more people about it than my last go-around. Fingers are crossed, the Is are dotted and the Ts are crossed...literally, in the name on my new Web site that is. :) I finally found the blank sketch book today and redid the screenplay to make it more realistic. The whole directing a work of fiction notion has me a little on edge, but I can only hope that my instincts don't fail me.

Only a few weeks to finishing the semester and going to Colorado. Can't wait....the fresh mountain air, the long drives, the late night coffees and other simple pleasures of life. Then Toronto, and finally, if life goes to plan (as it SO often has)...New York Cité.

Things just keep getting better and better! :)

The Curry Life

How unfortunate...the adventure has ended...for now anyway. But even after four weeks in India and a weekend in Canada, and I am still raring to go. Can't help it I suppose...four years without really going anywhere touristy can take its toll on one's head...well, unless Muncie counts as anywhere. But let's sidetrack that one for now so everyone doesn't start rolling their eyes. Of course, there's Savannah, GA in '03 and the Greek goddess of a restaurant hostess. A day (and a woman) to cherish! That was also the last time I spent on a beach, something I will hopefully rectify this year.

But plenty has happened in the last couple of months. Nothing especially eventful or even memorable, but definitely an "active" time. After four years of agony, repentence, replayed memories, homesickness and several other combinations of emotions that have colonized my heart and mind, but too personal to discuss here, the trip to India finally happened in December. I can think of several ways of describing the trip, though somehow "vacation" doesn't seem to be one of those descriptions. Yes, there was relaxation and lot's of it. But there was also the realization that as much as one tries to prepare for things to be different from the old snapshot in my head, there is nothing that could have prepared me for what I saw there.

My friends are the same, their lives are different. They are perhaps as nostalgic about the old days as I am, but no longer find the willingness (time can always be made) in themselves to relive those days, even for a couple of hours. I can't hold it against them, they have clearly moved on as everybody needs to. But it is those snapshots that takes me back there, that keeps me bound to them, and perhaps even defines who I am today because I don't have much else left of what I used to be.

And what makes it worse is the place. I don't recognize it anymore. And you know its true when the street you grew up on doesn't look the same anymore, when you can't find your own home anymore. And that literally happened! Senapati Bapat Road is a different universe. Yay for outsourcing! The street and most of its residents look and live more and more like Americans...debt and junk food rule the day. And yet, somehow, how do I get judged for being too much of an American?

Home is its own interesting world. I wonder if I should still call it home anymore. It feels like a jigsaw puzzle with several missing or out-of-place pieces. No more dad or sister. All three of us are in different corners of the world. My room looks like anything but my room, with mom's business now in full swing (GO MOM!). The only exception is the picture of me (where its always been) when I was five...still the way she sees me. But the detailed autopsy of my deficiences was published. I love you anyway, mom. Not that you don't, it's just that reading between the lines isn't always my strong suit. Just don't expect my patience to go up as you read those out.

But truthfully, I am making the trip sound worse than it actually was. For as little time as it may have been, it was good to see the old faces again. Made the trip worth it. And now, I at least know what they're doing in their lives today, so we have SOMETHING to talk about. Always better to a part of somebody's present, than their past. Pavaman (oh, the priceless surprise!), Tejas, Shiwanee, Lahoti, Arvind et al, you make life worth living. Thou, I shalt cherish.

If mom read this, I'd hear everything about how friends aren't forever (apparently 15+ years aren't enough!), but the isolationist lifestyle she worships isn't the guaranteed secret to a happy life either.

When I left, I thought...what will I go back for? What will I go back to? Am I missing anything worthwhile in between? Or am I just too anal to accept a change this big? Either way, I insist on hanging on to something that everybody wants to forget. I just need to tear up that snapshot in my head.

How much is too much?

You know, I've been trying to put this whole blogging thing in perspective! Most people do it as a means of journalistic reporting, sharing interests or telling everyone about their lives. I'd like to think of myself as one of the last group. But I don't understand something. Depending on one's personality, you are likely to scream out to the world, what you wouldn't tell the person next to you?

There is so much I'd like to say here. About my thoughts, my relationships, what they are and what I wish they were. But there is the fear of unleashing something too fierce for me too handle. And truth be told, the technology that I embrace is now beginning to scare me. What if someone who I'm afraid will find out actually does? And yet, I find it hard not to let go!

Help!

My very first party bust!

Ok, so flick-talk will have to wait. Haven't seen much besides Zorro II anyway. And besides a voluptuous woman of the Welsh persuasion, there isn't much to talk about anyway. Next in line are "Good night and good luck", "Derailed" and "Chicken Little" (or whatever that chick-flick is!)

Yes indeed, ladies and gents, my party was busted by cops! I suppose that's not something one would shout from the rooftop, but I personally found it kinda thrilling. It certainly made up for the dance parties I didn't have as an undergrad. It's ONLY times like these that I had a bit of a frat boy in me! But noooooooo....the control freak in me is alive and kicking, and still not really prepared to get drunk. I did want to get drunk like I haven't in many years. Hell, after all, this wasn't a party that I co-hosted with Saurabh or Nimish, not a party I was a guest at, but my very own! But I guess, it was all for the best, coz someone had to be sober enough to talk to the cops....even if they were campus cops....or as a certain someone affectionately referred to them: "thullas"!

And to think this party almost didn't happen. It was my oversight to plan a party on the same night as the Diwali function organized by the Muncie Indian Assn. (SAMA). So the guests arrived at 10:30 for an 8:30 party. Now going by standard Indian norms, I expect a full house by 9:30p at the latest, but these guys were making me nervous. My mind drifted to my last party just before leaving Denver (even tho that was a disaster for different reasons). I'd like to forget that night as quickly as possible.

Anyway, everybody has a great time at the party. Most noteworthy was Ankit's lap dance for Bhuvni (hmm....), some new dance moves, Kathleen, and of course, the stars of the night, the cops!

Things wound up around 2 even though everyone wanted it to go on for at least another hour. Oh well, such is the price for living in Anthony. But there mayl be a repeat performance, if for nothing else, then to bug the neighbors! We ended the night at Anindita's place, with some highly indulgent scrambled eggs'n'cheese, Ankit screaming obscenities (tho they sound funny rather than offensive, few others could pull it off in front of a woman) and then making out with Susan, who just a little while ago, had thrown up (twice!) on my living room floor.

I guess I just haven't been to a good party in a long time. Everybody's compliments aside, I just hope they had a good time. Now where's that vodka?!

Too little, too much

I don't know where to begin now. I have wondered whether I should keep this blog going or not. Initially it seemed like a cool experiment. The prospect of documenting my life seemed so promising and exciting. But then it seems like life as well as the lack thereof seems to get in the way.

I moved back from Ohio to Muncie in the third week of August. It was quite a change from doing nothing at all for so long to having no time at all. Still I am happy that I had the time off, because the odds are that I won't be getting a break this long till I retire. And then August 22, 2005 and Mediasauce happened. I love Dr. Joe. And perhaps he is the reason while I might turn to teaching some day. So many influences (the late Ms. Muzumdar, Rutenbeck, Laura, Samant Sir, Hanumanta Sathe, Dr. Joe, the cumulative craziness of Karnatak High School, the list is endless) have steered my life onto roads and toward destinations that I never thought possible. Each of these people have moulded me more that I have moulded myself. Perhaps I depended too much on them for support because I was this spineless, ambitionless, blinded individual, but without them I would have a reality very different from what I have now, which I almost certainly would have hated. Many of these people I havn't seen in years, perhaps may never see them again. Yet, either because I liked you or hated you, I am where I am because of you.

Yes, yes...I still spell things the British way once in a while!

But, I digress. Dr. Joe, who I have known for only about a year, but a simple yet visionary man, with the curiosity I have seen in few others in my life, is the reason Mediasauce happened. And suddenly there was hope and a chance at happiness and success. Suddenly it seemed like the fear of my job search history which had consumed me wholly, was fading. I was happy again, like almost everything that needed to fall in place in my life had done just that. But it seemed too easy. I've had this feeling before. And the last time it happened, I lost almost three years of my life. And now it seems that happiness will never be pure again, kind of like I'm committing adultery again against my significant other, depression. I am afraid that this is about to be snatched away from me, and I will find myself at the bottom of another crater, only this time without the kind of footing that I had in Denver.

I miss that footing a lot sometimes. Such great people I have had in my life, Paul, Karin, Nimish, Neeru, Bhim and Pamu and many others. Now they're five or more states away and I'm here in Muncie. Life and its many obligations got in the way again, and I'm left fending for myself again. It's good...mixing things up in life. But I need an anchor.

And then there were two. One who I think cares for me and who I almost entirely exclude from my life and one who inflicts pain on me like a thousand papercuts (often without realizing it) and I seem to go back for more. The second one is out of compulsion, we have to see so much of each other. But I keep hoping I don't become numb from all the bleeding.

Plenty more has happened, and plenty of movies to talk about. Another post on the way for flick talk.

A mildly eventful weekend

I wasn't expecting much out of this weekend. Just another few days of general merriment at home, involving the usual reading, watching movies, sleeping, feeling sorry that the extended vacation is coming to an end, and the like. The only major event was the trip to Bowling Green, OH. Well, let's start there.

On Saturday, I went to Bowling Green and Toledo, OH for the very first time. I suppose this post will probably be the only reminder that I ever made such a trip because both these places are no different from thousands of other places scattered across the midwest, with little to do and even lesser charm. A couple of my professors at Ball State graduated from BGSU, so I suppose it was sort of neat to see the campus (which in my case amounted to a grand total of seven buildings across the main street of town at night as we were driving back to Columbus. I went with Muthu, a friend of Kedar to help him move stuff out of his house to Columbus in a U-Haul. I spent the better part of the day helping him and his roommate Naitik move things into the truck and getting to know Muthu better. That mostly happened during the time we were cleaning out his garage-turned-dumpster and during our drive back at night. Several insignificant details about that day, but one important one, we have much in common, at least when it comes to our pasts.

I came back from the move and slept at about 1:30am for exactly the next 12 hours, only to wake up with a bad upper back. Its been particularly chronic for the last few months. What I would give for a massage right now!!! What I would to have the wallet for a massage right now!!! Oh well, Sunday was mostly spent watching movies Sideways, Napoleon Dynamite (a movie I may watch again despite it being agonizingly slow) and National Treasure (brainless, yet decent fun).

Today, have been rather interesting. Kedar came back from India this afternoon after three weeks in the worst showers India has ever seen. Too bad, he didn't bring pictures of that! But something else has happened, that has me a little worried, a little saddened, but mostly disappointed in myself. This morning, Shubhada (my sister) called me with an interesting piece of news from my mom. An offer to buy the home that I grew up in for 13 years has been made by our neighbors. Additionally my mom would move into the apartment below us, where the couple that lived there are trying to sell the place. Things are still in the initlal stages, so I don't know what will happen next. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about this deal that makes me think that it may not be a happy ending. Let's see what happens.

Eyes wide shut now, so it's good night!

BBC Article about blogging

A new blog every second?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/4737671.stm

My Very First Post

On a quiet August Ohio night, I thought I'd enter a blog world. You know, for a guy who generally prides himself in all things technology, I have to admit I've been somewhat late in joining the blogging bandwagon. I just read an article on the BBC says that new blogs are being created every second. Oh well, better late than never!

Not much to report right now. I'm listening to some Jerry Seinfeld stand up comedy. That's about all I have to report for now...or maybe for a long time to come. Somehow writing about myself never came easily. Cheers to a new learning experience!